The Death of My Brother, Roy William Shields

On October 31, the world as I know it ceased to rotate. Everything and everyone came to a screeching halt. Time stood still as I listened to my niece Jaime sob uncontrollably on the phone. "Have you heard from Kathy?" she asked. "No," I replied, "What's wrong? What is going on?" In an instant, I knew, before the words could come out of Jaime's mouth that something terrible had happened to her father, my brother, Roy. "Dad's dead," she said, "Is it true?" I had not heard anything and the assumption on everyone's part is that the first person Kathy would have called would have been my mother. "Let's not jump the gun here," I replied, "Stay calm and let me make a phone call. We don't know anything yet."

With Jaime on my cell phone, I walked back into my mother's apartment and dialed Kathy's number on the landline. "Kathy," I said, "It's Heidi...it is true?" Based on Kathy's voice, I knew the answer to that question before she said, "Yes." I don't recall the rest of the conversation. I knew I now had to do the hardest thing I have ever done and will probably ever have to do. I had to tell my mother that she had just lost her son...the son who visited us only 9 days earlier. I fell to my knees. My mother had heard me say "Kathy" and knew something was very, very wrong. "What is wrong?" she asked, "What happened to Roy?" The words caught in my throat as I delivered the news that would change all of our lives forever. Mom began to cry and hyperventilate, repeatedly saying, "No, it can't be."

My attention turned to making phone calls. People had to be told and something in my brain kicked into high gear and a sort of business mode that would prevent me from feeling the horrible emptiness that had just taken over my heart and soul. I think it is the EMT in me that allows me to do this. I called my sister Thairn first. She didn't answer. I knew Nikayla was in town so I called her. "Nik, I need your mom. Get your mom! I need to talk to your mom!" Nikayla, of course, asked what was wrong. Shocked, she said, "I will get her. We'll be right there." I regret telling Nikayla this way because it forced her to have to deliver the news to her own mother, as I had just done to mine. I'm sorry, Nik. I wish I had handled that better and taken that burden off your shoulders.

The next person I called was my best friend, Lisa. I was losing the ability to think clearly and I knew Lisa would be level-headed. She arrived at mom's apartment within minutes and didn't leave my side for the duration of this horrible day.

Lisa helped me make phone calls. She called my sister Gabby, which was very brave on Lisa's part. As expected, Gabby was quite rude to Lisa and in-not-so-many-words accused her of lying. (I have known Lisa for many years and I assure you she does not tell people their family member has died for fun.) Then she called Rodney, her old friend from high school.

I called Robbie and Ron and got no answers. So I kept trying. Finally I was able to reach Ron and asked him to call Raymond in Florida. Robbie saw that I had called his cell phone and called me back. Thairn left to pick Robbie up.

I began running down the list of nieces and nephews. Gabby would call April and Donny. I called Rachel and Adam. Ron would call Jake. Everyone else lives with their parents and probably already knew.

In the midst of all of this, my sister Gabby called back. Her agenda? Not to check on mom. Not to ask what happened to Roy. Not to cry with us and share in the shock. Her agenda was to bitch about the fact that Lisa and not mom had called her with the news. So let's get this straight...I just told Mom that her son, her oldest boy who she just saw 9 days earlier, had had a heart attack and was gone, and her first thoughts were supposed to be of Gabby. Mom was not doing well with the news and wasn't even able to speak, let alone pick up the phone and start making calls. But, as usual, the selfishness of my oldest sister shined right through. Thairn fielded the phone call, began to cry, and hung up on the dumb bitch in Washington. Yes, Gabby, that is what we all needed at that point in time. My God you are unbelievable. Selfish...egotistical...psychotic...self-absorbed and unbelievable.

I spoke to Kathy several times that day, worried about the fact that she was alone. They had just moved to Georgia and she knew no one. Her son was not due to arrive until the next morning. I can honestly say that I have never heard someone so upset in my life. The shock was overwhelming her and I was powerless to try to help.

I know that everyone copes with things differently and I know that everyone mourns in different ways. My coping mechanism is to take care of things. I WANT to be the one to make the funeral plans and all the phone calls. It is my way of feeling like I am doing something useful to try to help a helpless situation. Does that make any sense? So Lisa and I headed to the funeral home to at least get an obituary in the paper. Many people loved my brother and would need to know we had lost him. They would want to know.

The next entire week is somewhat of a blur and I still find it hard to believe that the world stopped turning over a week ago already. Roy died on a Sunday. His body arrived at the airport in Milwaukee on Tuesday. Jaime, Roy Michael and I were there to meet him. I almost wish I hadn't gone. You see, my brother wasn't traveling. He wasn't a passenger. He was freight. Marty from the funeral home warned us that he would not be in a casket, but in a reinforced cardboard box. I was willing and able to accept that. However, what he didn't warn us about, was the shipping label on the box. In large letters it read, "Human Remains of Roy William Shields." Human remains??? Human remains are what they find in the woods five years after someone is murdered. Human remains are what they hauled out of Jeffrey Dahmer's apartment in 1989. THOSE are human remains. This is my brother! This is Jaime and Roy Michaels's father! I wanted to scream. It all suddenly became real. That part of my brain that was still convinced that this was a terrible mistake, a horrible and sick Halloween joke, was beginning to come to reality. If the label said Roy was in that box, he must be in that box. But still, I had not actually seen him. It still could be the wrong man.

The next day we needed to finalize the plans for the funeral and meet with Pastor Boeck. Jaime, Roy Michael, Mom and I met at the funeral home. Jaime and Roy had requested to see their dad and the gracious people at the funeral home told them to take their time. I was hesitant, but I wanted to glance into the room. I needed to know if it was really him. I opened the door slowly. There, at the front of the room, covered in surgical drapes, was my oldest brother. There was the man who took me fishing when I was a kid. There was the man who took me to Horicon Marsh when I was little to watch the thousands of geese come and go. There was the man who used to let me beat him at Blackjack so I would have laundry money for college. There was the man who was a tremendous part of my life and my memories and he was lifeless. It really was Roy. He really was dead.

The funeral was on Saturday, November 6, the day after Rodney's 41st birthday. I keep reliving that day and the funeral, hoping we did everything right. I think Roy would have been proud. The pastor did a wonderful job and all of us (Roy's siblings) spoke or dedicated a song to Roy. It ended with military honors and bagpipes. And when all was said and done, I approached the casket one more time. I kissed it gently, rested my hand upon it and said goodbye to my brother for the last time as my tears fell.

Roy, thank you for being the big brother that every little girl dreams of. You were my mentor, my protector, my biggest fan, my hero and my friend. I will always hold you very near to my heart and I will think of you every day. I vowed to you that I will take care of and watch over Jaime and Roy Michael and I will keep that promise. I will always be there for them like you were for me. I love you and I miss you. But I know I will see you again someday. Keep dancing...