"Family" Reunion

I guess I have a lot on my mind since this is my second blog of the day...

Dictionary.com defines "family" as follows:

"a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children; considered as a group whether dwelling together or not; any persons closely related by blood, as parents, children, uncles, aunts and cousins."

I find this definition to be interesting, but inadequate. I have learned in the last few years that family is so much more than blood relation. Today I received a forwarded email from my nephew Adam. It was originally sent by my eldest niece, April, who is expecting her third child in November. April pointed out that there will be 4 new children in the family by the time my niece Rachel's baby arrives in mid-May, 2011. She calls for a family reunion...a time for everyone to get together and meet the new babies as well as her 3 year old twins. Interestingly, she even says she is eager for her children to "meet the rest of their family." However, you will notice that I said I received a forwarded copy of this email. You see, I am not part of "the rest of their family." I was purposely excluded from the original email with absolutely no intention of ever being invited to this "family" reunion that is to take place right here in Wisconsin. Surprised? Don't be. You see, according to the definition above, I belong to this family. However, my unwillingness to comply with the life my "family" has envisioned for me has made me an outcast, not worthy of being invited to family functions and get-togethers. I am not worthy of their love because I chose not to have a white picket fence with one dog, a husband and 2.5 children. My choices are not supposed to be mine. I am to comply with whatever they set forth for me, without question and certainly without argument. I am to live a life they would choose and not stray from the norm...not think for myself...not be my own boss...not march to the beat of my own drummer. I am not to live my own life. If I do, I suffer the consequences of being shunned by the very people I was taught to believe would love me unconditionally as I have loved them and to be there for me without fail as I was taught to be there for them. It has been a very difficult lesson in learning that every "I love you" and every "I'm here for you" was a lie. Maybe it is my fault. Maybe I missed it when they followed, "I love you" with "as long as you do things my way." Maybe they mumbled. Maybe I just didn't hear it. I don't think I will ever know or understand it.

So to receive this forwarded email comes as no surprise, although I am sure Adam's intention was to include me. I had already heard talk of this reunion. It is hurtful, but no more so than when my niece Teresa graduated from high school last year and sent invitations to everyone but me. What have I done to Teresa you ask? Nothing. You see, Teresa was told by her father (my brother Raymond) that she cannot visit her grandmother because I have cats to which she is allergic. That was back when I lived with my mom. Ray told Teresa that grandma's house should be her "second home" and that it wasn't because of me. So, in young Teresa's words, she "dislikes me" for keeping her from her grandmother. The thing is...I have not lived with my mom for over 3 years. How many times has Teresa visited her "second home" in that three years? You guessed it...ZERO. I would imagine this is also why I don't hear from Teresa's younger sister, my niece Naomi.

Now, I don't blame Teresa for believing what she was told by her father and if she chooses to "dislike me" that's ok. She is entitled to her feelings. But, Teresa, if you should ever read this, I want you to know that I love you with all of my heart. I have always been and will always be proud to be yours and Naomi's aunt. I wish you both a life of happiness and love, free of heartache and hardship. And if, by some stroke of fate, you should ever need me, know that I will be there for you without question with every fiber of my being. You will always get the best of me, no matter what.

The last 6 years have been a tough lesson all the way around. My sister, once my best friend, no longer speaks to me, nor I to her. Early on, Thairn said that the strife between us was because I had the cats at my mom's house. Again, I have not lived with my mother in over 3 years. Why then does the problem continue? I don't know. Thairn has said that she wants better for me and that her anger and frustration comes from love. If this is love that I am feeling from her, I think I would rather be hated. I have never done anything to harm Thairn, or any member of my family. I certainly have never done anything to warrant Thairn illegally entering my house when she knew I was in Milwaukee with my beagle having emergency surgery done on her eye. Thairn photographed the litter boxes (which would have been very hard for me to clean from Milwaukee) with the intention of sending the photos to the rest of the family. Sure, they were full. I HAD NOT BEEN HOME ALL DAY! Is it coincidental that Thairn chose that day to photograph the litter boxes? Of course not. If I had been home earlier that day, the boxes would have been clean and her goal could not have been accomplished. Only by a stroke of luck, did I discover the photos before she got a chance to send emails. So I wonder...is it just that I choose to live my life in a way that apparently they believe does not warrant their approval? And through all of it, I just want someone to tell me WHY I need their approval. Why can't they just accept me and love me for who I am as I had them?

The most interesting aspect of all of this is that, throughout the last few years, I have been labeled a liar by my siblings. I wish I could tell you what they think I am lying about, but that answer evades me, along with many others. And as far as I can see, the lies have been theirs. I have maintained troughout all of this that I just want people to start telling the truth. Here are three glaring examples:

1. When I was forced by my brother Ron to move to a cow barn in the summer of 2007, I left behind a litter box at my mom's that I asked my brother, Robbie to take care of for me. He didn't and the litter box, shut in the back room and forgotten about, grew maggots. Three weeks after I moved out (and had not returned, even once, to the house), Ron photographed this litter box and sent copies to every member of my family, illustrating the conditions to which I allegedly made my mother live. They all blindly believed this "photographic evidence" without ever getting the facts. Ron now knows the facts but is not willing to correct his inaccuracy. Robbie knew the truth the whole time and said nothing.

2. When I initially began fostering kittens at my mom's house in 2004, my mom was in the hospital. I had sought and received her permission. However, when it came to turning everyone against me, Thairn told everyone I did it behind mom's back. She was told that wasn't true and was unwilling to listen. My mom knew the truth the whole time and said nothing.

3. When I was charged last January with "improper ventilation in an animal shelter" my very own sister, Gabby, took it upon herself without provocation to call the Columbia County Sheriff's Department and tell numerous lies to them about me. Interestingly, although we have been estranged and have not spoken in 7 years, she feels she is an expert on what I have said or done. She told them that the reason my mother's house was torn down when we sold it in 2007 was because it was "uninhabitable", having been ruined by the cats who had "used the entire house as a litter box." The TRUTH is that the electrical and plumbing were so outdated (the cabin was nearly 100 years old) and the realtor who bought it could make more money selling the lakefront property without the old house. But, again, the truth is irrelevant when it comes to painting me in a bad light. My mom, my brother Robbie, my brother Roy and my brother Ron knew the truth the whole time and said nothing. Gabby had not been to the house since my father died in 2003, but was somehow an expert on its condition in 2007.

Trust me when I say I could go on and on with many examples. It is a fight that is impossible to win and one that is, at times, very lonely. But make no mistake that I am a survivor. So, yes, it is hurtful to be excluded from the "family" reunion. That is, after all, April's goal. It was Teresa's goal. It will be the goal of the next generation that is raised to believe I am an outcast, unworthy of their love because I give my heart and soul to animals. Maybe I didn't do everything right. Maybe I would go back and change a few things if I could. Wouldn't we all? Does it make me unworthy of the love of my family...at least those with whom I share a bloodline? There are a few who share that bloodline that have never treated me differently than before I began rescue. Nikayla, Rachel, Adam, Jaime, Roy Michael, Jake & Gavin and I love you all very much. I appreciate your open-mindedness and willingness to accept me regardless of my apparently unforgivable and unloveable traits. You have all gotten me through the hardest times and comforted me in my darkest hours, probably without even knowing it. I would not have the strength that I have without you. I am proud to be your aunt and I will always be there for you, no matter what...as you have been for me.

To my siblings (excluding Gabby), my nieces Teresa and Naomi and to my nephew Donald...

You make your own decisions in this world and I will always honor that. I will never understand what I have done, but for the love and compassion for animals, that has offended you so deeply. I will never understand how my mere existence disgusts you on such a level that you no longer claim me as your family. I am just me. I am just here, hundreds of miles away from most of you, doing what I do...doing what you do...trying to get through this life one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, doing the best that I can to make the world a better place. I guess the difference is that I do it for all of God's creatures and not just for myself. If that makes me an outcast, I guess an outcast I shall be. I can rely on myself and I have a network around me of some of the most outstanding human beings on the planet. I am blessed and I try to remember that every day.

Gabby, you are a different story and I struggle the most with you. As your sister, I am supposed to love you and I was taught to always be there for you. The hardest lesson for me has been grappling with my feelings of raw hatred for you. You are a vindictive and self-absorbed person, like no one I have ever met. I try very hard to be accepting, but when you go out of your way, without provocation, to hurt me, I can't be peaceful. Hardest has been not wishing you harm. Instead, I have to consciously hope that, someday, you will get the help that you need. Someday, some doctor, somewhere, will figure out what is wrong with you and be able to help you. My medical background leads me to believe that you suffer from Munchausen Syndrome. Your need for attention is unhealthy and has cost you many relationships in your life, including ours. You didn't even go to your mother-in-law's funeral because it was planned by her daughter and not all about you. How sad. You seem to live in an era of self-absorption, stuck somewhere between grade school and middle school where every disagreement is more about who is on your side and less about the issues at hand. You are unwilling and incapable of fighting your own battles, feeling the need to get others to rally around you and your mental illness. Reality is that those "on your side" are either too afraid of you or are too tired of the unending ramifications they face if they think for themselves and go against you. They know you will not be accepting of their opinions so it is easier to comply and keep the peace. They know you can hold a grudge like a high-rise construction worker with a broken thether cable holds a death grip on a support beam. You are a tyrant, surrounded by people who fear you perhaps more than they love you. But you are willing to accept that because fear is at least an emotion that they feel for you. It's like a child who acts badly to get attention. It is negative attention, but attention nonetheless. I believe you have a deep-seated fear of being alone so ruling with an iron fist guarantees that people will stick around, too scared to leave you. But I guess if that is what you want...if that is the kind of "affection" you want in your life, you are entitled to it. Count me out. I only want love in my life from people who are free-thinking and genuine. You and I could have been great friends with a little understanding and acceptance. But you are beyond my capacity. All I can do is bite my tongue (hell, practically chew it in half) and wish you well. I pray to God you get the help you need before it's too late. Nursing homes can be very lonely when you don't have any visitors. And if you think your equally self-absorbed daughter is going to take time out of her perfect little princess life to visit you, think again. However, your unmarried sister might have. You blew it.

That's all I have to say today. I get so very tired of dealing with this crap and trying to figure out why I am the black sheep of my "family." I can only come to one conclusion and I have to keep moving on. The answer is that we are not a family. I just know I am not the one that ruined it and I hope those who are responsible are happy with themselves and can pat themselves and each other on the back. Job well done. At least you have each other and deservedly so. Enjoy your "family" reunion, knowing that you are not a family at all. You are a group of unaccepting, bigoted, intolerant individuals who think you are better than everyone around you. I look forward to the days when you are all knocked off your golden pedestals. Those will be the most glorious days of my life and I will not pick up the pieces this time.