Inner Strength

It's that power that comes from within you. It's that ability to pick up your head and hold it high, even in the face of the most difficult adversity. It's the strength to say, "This is who I am. This is what I believe in. And it is not up to you to approve." The last 24 hours have been an amazing personal journey for me and I woke up this morning with a kind of inner strength I didn't know existed. In my greatest defeat, I have found the ability to declare victory. You see, I have never been a quitter. I have never been one to be passive when I feel like things are not just. I have never been able to keep my mouth shut when someone is picking on the underdog. And I have always been one to believe in hope with every fiber of my being to the very bitter end. After 7 years of fighting with members of my family, I decided yesterday to just be done with it. I felt defeated. I felt like I had lost. It was a kind of mourning that I am all too familiar with after the loss of my brother in October. But this morning when I woke up after a restless night, I was reminded of something my former sister said to me once. There is a certain irony to the fact that she is the one who said it, but it has been something I have always carried with me. In the late 1990s I was struggling with my decision to leave EMS, a career that I absolutely loved. Thairn left a message on my answering machine in which she said, "Today is a new day. The sun is shining and everything is going to be just fine." It was simple, but to the point and it has remained my mantra all of these years. So, today I greet the day with a renewed inner strength, given to me not only by the words of my former sister so long ago, but also by the support and encouragement of some of the most outstanding people on the planet...my friends. Rodney told me last night (in between trying to lecture me) that I don't have a choice when it comes to family. He said I am a member of the Shields family and I can't change that. To that I say, HA! WATCH ME! I choose my friends to become my family. In my loss, I have gained more brothers and sisters than I ever had before. And those members of the Shields family who feel they can see through the lies and not sit in judgement of me, have reached out to me and I have accepted that they will remain family. But they understand that they are my family without the involvement of the others who have chosen to force this separation. Letting go is difficult for me because I am a fighter. I am a Leo, the king of the jungle, the toughest of the tough. Walking away is not in my nature and the realization that, in this case, walking away is victory has been very difficult. It is a thought process that is foreign to me on every level. But, ironically, it was again my former sister Thairn who brought me to this realization. You see, when Christmas was appraoching, she sent me a text message stating that she was having a family dinner on the 25th and that I was invited. When I didn't respond, she followed with a message that said, "Let's clear this up...inviting u the 25th - is not an apology - its an invitation to be civil." When I respectfully declined and said that I preferred to spend Christmas with people who love me I was told that she would rather spend Christmas with people who don't use others. So I planned my own dinner on the 26th and, not surprisingly, did not invite Thairn. I was told yesterday that Thairn was quite upset, even crying, that I did not invite her. Initially I was confused as to why she ever thought I would invite her after he less-than-welcoming invitation to me. Then I realized that this is all part of the game. For whatever reason, certain members of my former family feel the need to treat me like crap and then expect me to respond lovingly. That makes sense because they know that my love for them has always been and will always be unconditional. So why wouldn't I do the right thing and invite her even though she was a total bitch to me? Well, sorry, but not this time. There is a new sheriff in town and this sheriff doesn't want to ride this emotional rollercoaster anymore. I am off and I am not buying any more tickets. I have come to the realization that all hope of a relationship with them is lost and I am learning to be ok with it. Every day, my inner strength will grow and eventually, they will not be able to ever hurt me again. Someday they will find themselves wondering whatever happened to me, as we have lost contact over the years. I won't be available to answer that question for them.
So, today is, in fact, a new day. The sun is, in fact, shining and everything will, in fact, be just fine. God bless.