Being a Fighter

Wow, it has been awhile since I have blogged.  I guess life just gets too busy sometimes.  Anyway...

Let me start with a disclaimer.  I am not writing this today in an effort to stroke my own ego.  I am not looking for sympathy or hand outs.  It is just more of a reflection on the last few days and something I will be able to look back on when things are tough to try to get through those days.

Last week my car died.  I don't drive anything fancy...it's a 1999 Ford Taurus station wagon.  It's an old-lady car that serves the purpose of hauling animals, including my three big dogs, Wrigley, Harry & Dawson, with plenty of room to lie down.  It hauls wood for heat, cat food, dog food, cat litter, furniture and whatever else I ask of it.  No matter what shape it is in or how messy the interior is, it is my lifeline and the lifeline of my animals.  It is essential to our survival.  So, when it isn't running, the feeling of utter despair is overwhelming.  But, as luck would have it, it was just the battery.  When I was finally able to scrape together the $75 I needed, I bought a new battery and thought everything would be fine.  It wasn't.

Fastforward to the first snowfall of the year...November 9, 2011.  We didn't get a lot of snow, but it was wet and heavy.  I got home from work to find that the cat fence had caved under the weight of the snow.  If you know my history, you know that ventilation is an essential (critical) part of housing the cats.  Without the fence in good operating condition, I cannot let the cats outside, thus potentially creating a ventilation problem.  Again, a feeling of utter despair was overwhelming.

Yesterday, the car would not start again.  I was leaving to go get some wood to heat the house.  Without wood, there is no heat because I cannot afford the LP gas required to run the furnace (which also means I have no hot water or gas to cook with).  It's a game of building a bold enough fire to burn while I am at work so the animals aren't cold.  The dachshund wears a sweater and the dogs can burrow under the blankets on my bed.  The cats pile on top of each other for warmth until I am home to rebuild the fire.  I keep telling myself that they will be ok as long as they are out of the wind.  Certainly, they have more than a lot of animals ever know.  I have to focus on that.

So, faced with the prospect of having no car, no working cat fence and no wood to heat the house, I was completely defeated.  I was giving up.  My niece had given me a ride to my mom's so that I could get something to eat.  My friend Jeanne gave me a ride home and bought me a box of fire logs to keep everyone warm for the night.  Sleep was fitful with the constant worry of the car, the fence, the heat...How will I get to work?  How will I get some wood?  What if mom needs me?  What if one of the animals has an emergency?

Two mechanic friends of mine both said the description of the car's problem sounded like a connection issue with the new battery.  So, first thing this morning, I took the battery completely out and set it on the ground.  I cleaned the area where the battery sits.  Then, I took my toothbrush, dabbed it in baking soda and scrubbed the battery cable connections.  I rinsed them and dried them.  Then, I did the same to the posts on the battery itself.  I put the battery back in, connected the cables and tightened them down.  The bolt holding the battery in place is stripped so I found a thick plastic handle to a cat carrier and, with a few taps from the hammer, wedged it between the battery and car frame.  The battery was secure.  I got in the car, looked up at the sky and said, "Ok, Roy, you are the mechanic in the family.  I could really use some magic right now."  I turned the key and the car started.  The relief was amazing.

Then I put on my rubber boots and ventured into the snow-covered cat enclosure.  I assessed the problem of the fence and saw that the poles were caving in the soft ground.  There was no actual damage to the fence.  What a relief!  So I took some steel posts from the not-yet-put-up chainlink dog fence and shored up the cat fence poles.  The fence popped right back up into position and I was able to let the cats out into their enclosure again.  Again, the relief was amazing.

So why am I blogging about this today?  Because I learned something about myself last night.  In all the despair, as I was walking through the woods at 1am looking for wood dry enough to burn, a poem from my childhood popped into my head.  It's an old one that I think just about everyone has heard, but I hadn't thought about it in nearly 20 years.  And suddenly, there it was when I needed it the most.

When things go wrong as they sometimes will
And the road you're trudging seems all uphill
When funds are low and debts are high
And you want to smile but you have to sigh
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Success if failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems afar
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things go wrong that you must'nt quit.

I kept reciting this poem aloud as I trudged through the snow.  The more I said the last two lines, the more determined I became.

I am a lot of things.  I am a woman, a friend, a daughter, an aunt, a sister, a cousin, an employee, a caretaker, an animal-lover...the list goes on and on, as it does for everyone else in the world.  But I am also a fighter.  I am a never-give-up, dig-in-my-heels, grab-on-with-my-teeth-and-never-let-go, push-through-anything, fighter.  In the immortal words of Pat Benetar, "Knock me down, it's all in vain.  I'll get right back on my feet again.  Hit me with your best shot."  I WILL bounce back.  I WILL survive.  I WILL find a way.  There are days that I feel like my fight is gone...like the world is just too cruel...like I can't possibly find my way again.  But I ALWAYS find my fight.  And I ALWAYS will.  I am so blessed to have friends and family who see me through those tough days and help me find that fight again.  At my worst moments, when I thought I was going to lose all of the animals because I had no place to live and no job, I told my friend Becky that I had no fight left.  She said, "You will find it. This is NOT over."  And she was right.  Three months later, I have a home and a job.  It's not over until I say it's over and I am not saying that....ever.  Now if you will excuse me, I need to go buy a new toothbrush. ;-)