I Am The Way I Am

Hi everyone,

It's been quite awhile since I have blogged.  It's not that I haven't had anything to say (you all know how opinionated I can be).  It's just that I haven't had time.  Anyway, I wanted to take a minute today and say THANK YOU to everyone who has rallied around me in the worst times, when things seem impossible and the climb before me insurmountable.  I want you all to know that I have a plan in place and I am very optimistic that things are going to get better.  Stacy is hard at work helping me find a better paying job.  That is step #1.  I need to work 40 hours a week and actually have some money to show for it after the rent is paid.  And I need to get off of night shift.  I thought it would be best for the animals but it is not working at all.  The dogs do not want to sleep all night while I am at work and then all day while I am home.  FAIL.  Then, I need to get the fencing up and get the animals better under control.  The dogs need to be able to "let themselves out" and the cats need to be better contained for their safety.  Then, I can begin to work on having some sort of "normalcy" in my life where perhaps I could even get some furniture and...oh yeah...electricity.  Anyway, at some point I hope to enter into a rent-to-own contract with my landlord and secure the animals once and for all.  But, that is all in good time.  I am learning patience and, believe me, it is not easy.  My entire plan could take years.

Anyway, last night, with having to miss work again and Mom needing care 24/7, I had a bit of a meltdown.  As always, a lot of you were there to pick me up and remind me that I am not alone.  But I noticed something about myself in this process.  When you offered help, I IMMEDIATELY became uncomfortable.  "No , no , no," I thought, "I don't want to inconvenience anyone."  So I wanted, today, to take a minute to give you an explanation as to why sometimes I may inadvertently make it difficult for you to help with the animals and to let you know that, no matter how much I resist, I truly AM grateful to my core that you are there to help.

In 2004, when I began rescuing animals, I did so under the umbrella of the Columbia County Humane Society and in response to a petition before the Wisconsin DNR to allow the shooting of feral cats.  Within a few months, it became painfully clear that the humane society was already spread too thin and I was very much alone in my crusade to rescue feral cats.  Don't get me wrong, they are good people who do a lot of wonderful things for animals, but feral cats do not fit the typical image of what a humane society is all about.  They depend on their animals to be adoptable.  It's their main source of income that allows them to survive another day to rescue another homeless pet.  That's just the way it works.  So, I went out on my own.  In doing so, I suffered the loss of many of my family members who have chosen, in some cases, not to be impartial (to be proud of me is WAY too much to even dream of) but to be downright vicious.  Since that fateful day in 2005 when my sister went off the deep end over 4 little kittens, I have agonized over one question: "Why?"  Every question I have begins with that word.  And I have learned, however painfully, that I will never get answers.  The one person who never sat in judgement of me (my oldest brother, Roy), passed away on October 31, 2010.  Perhaps his insight...his calm and impartial ways...would have helped me to understand someday.  But I will never know.

In the course of rescuing these animals, together, we have suffered many losses, endured many hardships and accomplished the impossible.  I have dug in my heels, gritted my teeth and fought with every fiber of my being.  And in doing so, I came to believe that there is one person I can count on...one person these animals can count on....and that is me.  But I am now beginning to understand that I am wrong.  I DO have family and it is all of you.  I DO have people I can count on and it is all of you.  I don't know if I will ever learn to accept gifts and donations gracefully.  I don't know if my "I can do this...I don't need anyone" mindframe will ever change.  So, please, if I seem to be making it difficult for you and you just want to help, be persistent.  Know that I love you and I appreciate you and the animals and I are better for knowing you.  God bless you my friends.